Introduction To Fiction - Journal Assignment ("Person, Place, or Song") with Instructor Feedback

The first time Walter heard “I Will Survive” by Gloria Gaynor, was at David Simpson’s New Year’s Eve party in 1978. He didn’t really want to go, as he was currently unattached and had no one to kiss at midnight, but David told him there were going to be several women there without dates and he might hook up with one of them. Despite his certainty that it would be a waste of time and succeed in doing nothing more than making him feel even more depressed than he already was, he found himself knocking on David’s door at 11:00.
David answered the door and ushered Walter in. There were already many people there, but Walter knew none of them. He grabbed a bottle of beer from the bar and found a spot he figured he’d be planted in until 12:01 when he would sneek out during the festivities. He knew he shouldn’t have come to this party; everyone seemed to know everyone else and was engaged in sparkling conversation that he had no interest in. So, as he sat there nursing his beer listening to “I Will Survive” on the stereo, his mind started to wander.
It had been over three months since Rachel left him, but to Walter it seemed like last week. When she told him that she wanted to see other people, it hit him like a sucker punch to the gut. What had he done wrong? She had no answer. Was there anything he could do differently? She had said “no.” Three years of his life invested in this relationship and in a two-minute conversation it’s all over. Over and over he pondered what could have caused the breakup. All Rachel would say is that they had grown apart-what a copout answer that was. Despite his frustrations, he knew she was probably right. He was extremely comfortable with the way the relationship was going (aka stagnant), where she was probably looking to take it to the next level, something he just wasn’t ready for. He had been out with a few different women, but they really weren’t.
Suddenly he was brought back to reality by a woman across the room screaming. He looked over to see what was going on and saw a man with a pistol waving it around. As he looked around, he saw many several more people with guns. At first he thought it was some kind of gag, David always tried to have something special at his parties, but this was a bit much even for him. But when one of the men told everyone to gather around or they would be shot, he knew this was no gag. The other men were going through the house making sure there weren’t others hiding. Someone shut off the stereo and the whole house was completely silent. One of the guests asked what they wanted; this was met by him being pistol-whipped. Gasps and screams spread through the house until the perceived leader told everyone to shut up.
Some of the gunmen, Walter believed there were 4 of them in total, began grabbing the women’s purses and looking for anything of value in them. The rest of them began collecting the men’s wallets, pulling out the cash, and then throwing them on the floor. Walter was nervous when they came to him; he had seen wads of cash being collected from most of the wallets and knew he only had five dollars on him; he wasn’t even wearing a watch. He wanted to tell the man who grabbed his wallet that he didn’t have much money, but after seeing what happened to the last person who talked, he said nothing. When the man opened his wallet and saw the five, he looked really annoyed and then angry. “Where’s the rest of it?” the gunman yelled. Walter tried to remain calm as he told him that was all he had. The gunman first appeared annoyed and then angry. Walter braced himself for a pistol-whipping, or worse. The intense pain he felt in his stomach as he hit the floor told him that he had gotten off with simply a punch to gut. As he lay there getting his breath back and trying to keep the feeling of nausea under control, he began to wonder why the gunmen weren’t wearing masks. Certainly everyone here would be able to identify them. That thought was quickly followed by a more ominous one; what if they didn’t care who saw them because they had no intention of any of them getting out of here alive? He tried to suppress that thought and get up off the floor. He still found himself a little light-headed and he graciously accepted help from a couple that had been standing next to him.
Finally, the gunmen had collected all the valuables. The 40+ guests stood waiting to see what was going to happen next. Almost as an afterthought, they shot David in the head. The house erupted in screaming, but this time there was no command to “be quiet” from the gunmen, instead they grabbed the bags of money and jewelry and ran out of the house.
Immediately several guests ran to David. One elderly man tried to use the phone to call an ambulance, but it had been ripped from the wall. Walter ran outside to see if he could get a description of the vehicle. Despite it being dark, the street lights provided enough illumination for him to ascertain that the vehicle they took off in was a dark-brown Mercury Comet. As all the phones had been disabled, several guests ran to neighboring houses to get help. Shirley Jackson, who lived three houses down had already called the police to report hearing a gunshot. She was apprehensive about answering the door when she heard the knock and told the person knocking that she had just called the police. She figured whether it was the gunmen or someone looking for help, she had provided all the information either of them needed.

Instructor Feedback

Nice job developing a story that is rooted by a concrete memory (the song), place, and specific action. These are the fundamentals of plot.