Plot, Perspective and Point of View - Writing a Short Story

A Clean Getaway

Instructor comments/suggestions/corrections in italics.

Shelaton great name! screamed with anguish when she realized that her daughter Calamaine had been kidnapped. She knew Calamaine had been abducted by the ogre Marlong; his distinctive odor in their hovel led her to that unmistakable conclusion. interesting With no one around to help her, she set out to find the ogre and be reunited with her daughter.
She had a general idea of where Marlong’s lair was, and after walking for an hour, she came to a large swamp and began to ponder how she would get across it.
“Do you wish to cross my swamp?”
Shelaton looked over to see who was talking to her and saw it was a grunwich, a small elf-like creature. “Yes,” she said, “I’m trying to get to Marlong’s lair; he’s kidnapped my daughter.”
The grunwich nodded his head, “I’ve got a pair of shoes that you can borrow; they will allow you to walk safely across the swamp. nice What payment do you have for me for the temporary use of my shoes?”
“I have nothing to offer,” Shelaton said sadly. “Wait, your hovel is a mess; once I free my daughter, we will take as much time as necessary to make your home spotless.”
“Fair enough; I will trust that you are a woman of your word. Put these shoes on over your own shoes and you will be able to cross my swamp safely.”
Shelaton thanked the grunwich, donned the shoes, and crossed the swamp. Once she got to the other side, she noticed a smell that told her she was going the right way-what you need here is a dash, not a hyphen Marlong’s distinctive odor began to fill her nose. She eventually came to a clearing in the woods and saw Marlong’s cave. She heard crying and knew it was Calamaine. She tiptoed up to the opening and peeked inside. She saw Marlong sitting in a chair and Calamaine sweeping garbage into a pile.
“Release my daughter, Marlong,” Shelaton yelled firmly.
Her daughter squealed with delight and ran to her mother. “Oh mother, thank goodness you found me!”
Marlong walked over to where Shelaton and her daughter were standing, and blocked their exit. “I will not release your daughter. I am far stronger than both of you combined and she now belongs to me.”
Calamaine started crying again and Shelaton wondered what to do. Suddenly, she remembered a piece of advice her mother had given about how to fend off the advances of men much bigger than her. She quickly lifted her left foot, and with all the strength she could muster, she kicked the ogre in the crotch. a time tested and ancient defense:) As Marlong doubled over in pain, Shelaton yelled, “Run, Calamaine, quickly.”
Shelaton knew that Marlong would try and kidnap her daughter again, so while he was still moaning in pain, she took a nearby shovel and began to beat him. After several blows to his head, she was confident that Marlong was dead.
She then ran into the woods yelling for Calamaine. Once they were reunited, they began the trek back to their house. “Thank goodness you rescued me mother, Marlong was going to make me cook and clean for him forever. comma splice I hope I never have to clean anyplace that filthy again.”
Shelaton decided not to tell Calamaine about her agreement with the grunwich until later. perfect/funny ending


Instructor Feedback
Okay, Jim, you just made my day. Great story: creative, fun, writen w/ purpose and skill (except for that comma splice, but I will turn the other way--this time). Shelation is clearly on a quest and you're telling her story through dialogue and action. Right on target. --Gary